Don't make up a phony profile for a celebrity ...

... unless, of course, you work with or are related to that celebrity. Unless you are creating that profile with that celebrity's knowledge and input, you don't have a credible reason to create a Facebook profile (person) page for that celebrity

a. If you do create a phony Facebook profile for a celebrity and you run across a person who is skeptical about the authenticity of the celebrity profile, find out who that person is before you send a PM to that person, because that skeptical person just might actually know the celebrity you are impersonating and call the celebrity or send him or her an email.

b. If you still wish to send the skeptical person a PM to convince the skeptic that you are the celebrity you are pretending to be, be sure to use language and syntax the celebrity would most likely use.

c. If English is your celebrity's primary language but not your primary language, and you still want to send the skeptical person a PM, have someone read your PM first, so that the skeptic won't think that your PM was "retarded" and suspect that you are ESL, get pissed off, and report your phony celebrity profile to Facebook and the real celebrity.

d. If the purpose of creating a phony celebrity profile is to test me to see how quickly I'll report your phony celebrity profile to Facebook and have it removed so that you can complain that I'm "mean" or "not nice," remember this: I wait until I have confirmation that a profile is a fake before I report it to Facebook. I did not report "phony-Tony" to Facebook. "Phony-Tony" was either taken down by the guilty party or Facebook, before I got the skeptic's response to my PM for confirmation.

e. If d. was the reason for creating the phony celebrity profile, hope that I never find confirmation that it was you who did this ...

f. As soon as I got confirmation that "phony-Tony" was, indeed, phony, I was pissed at the person who would dare attempt to perpetrate that hoax. It doesn't matter why this person did it. This hoax was disrespectful to Tony Shalhoub, himself. I hope the person who did this isn't a fan of Tony's ... If the person who did this is a fan of Tony Shalhoub's, that would be, well, creepy ...

I just heard something disturbing today. Yet another cast member of the Monk show has been impersonated on Facebook.

First, someone was posing as Emmy Clarke--setting up as a personal page what should obviously have been a fan page/group page. Strange that Emmy seemed to be struggling with ESL on Facebook. I always thought she was from the United States.

Today I learned that this time, someone impersonated Tony Shalhoub. This person was intentionally speaking as Tony, talking about filming Feed the Fish and acting, etc. This was done, as the story was related to me, in a much more deliberate and aggressive manner than was done on the bogus Emmy's Facebook page.

What is it about the internet that makes supposedly grown adults think they can act like complete shitheads? People do things on the internet they'd never dream of doing in real life and they say things to people they'd never dream of saying to another person face to face.

I can't get over the hypocrisy. "We love you!" "I'm your biggest fan!" "You're hot!" "The sun rises and sets on your smile!" "I never miss the show!" And then you go and do something like this.

That shows absolutely

This takes me back to another incident wherein Tami again caught all kinds of shit--this time when she took steps to have some of Ted Levine's personal family pictures taken off the internet. The two people found to have been posting those photos without any kind of permission are still harassing Tami. How the fuck can you have sites set up for these people, claiming to be fans of theirs, and then do stuff like this???

That shows absolutely

If you ask me, this kind of harassment is a form of stalking. I have no idea how any of these people put up with crazy, crack-pot fans. Tami had those pictures and that Emmy Clarke page taken down out of respect for these people whose privacy and basic rights you're all fucking with. Now what did all these people do? Raise a major shit over their own pictures appearing on the internet on sites they themselves posted their pictures on. What's good for the goose isn't good enough for you??? "Don't do to me what I do to others, dammit!"

I know what the problem is. These people doing this bullshit have absolutely

I have a flash bulletin for all of you: Tony Shalhoub, Ted Levine, and Emmy Clarke are all very real human beings. Impersonating them on websites and in chatrooms, and hijacking their personal family photos isn't funny and it isn't fun. When they're off the set, they're off the clock. Leave them the fuck alone. Do we not know how to set up fan pages on Facebook? Do we not know how to say, oh, by the way, this actor has nothing to do with this page? There are some lessons we all should have learned by the third grade.

That blind adoration thing is dangerous as shit. Love to see people post "Tony's a wonderful husband and a great father." That came up frequently. Lovely sentiment, but, um, how the hell do you know?

And it always seems to take people a long ass time to figure out that when people make unqualified statements like this, ass-kissing statements, those are always the people to cross the line with you. They're the first to stab you in the back. They're the first ones to turn on you.

So what happened to all these people posting this blind adoration crap on the USA Monk message board? Well, apparently, two of them are impersonating cast members on another site. That adoration doesn't go very far, does it? If it doesn't even go as far as respecting these people, it doesn't go far at all. No even from the front door to the end of the driveway. You know why it doesn't go far? Because it doesn't go deep.

I knew there was no respect when one poster posted the stalker's-eye view of Tony's house on that board. Crossing the line, big time. That should have been taken down immediately. Once again, the ever-invisible, ever-flaccid El-Admin taking absolutely no action and showing no interest. I can't believe that thread survived the first hour of posting.

I think I know what the problem is. We aren't even human. We're all bullshit. We're all just monkeys with cell phones.

Here's as far as my 'blind adoration' goes. Tony's my favorite living actor. I'd pay real money to watch a movie of him reading a phone book. I'm thoroughly dazzled by damn near everything he does on film and in TV. I think he's incredible. I also think he's easily the most attractive actor out there. Young, old, or sideways, he beats them all. There's no other actor I'd rather look at. Now, what are those two things? They are things I can see. I don't know this man at all. Not the least little bit.

You'll never catch me saying he's a wonderful husband. Brooke Adams is the only person on the planet who knows what kind of husband he is. You'll never catch me saying he's a great father. Sophie and Josie are the only people on the planet who know what kind of father he is. What kind of a crack-pot claims to know things they have absolutely no way of knowing? He may simply be an actor adept at keeping his name out of the tabloids and his dirt out of the street.

In the real world, he could have sex slaves chained to the radiators in his basement. He could be running sweat mills on child labor in third world countries. He could be clubbing baby seals during his show's hiatus. I have no fucking idea. I have no idea what goes on in that man's house. On planet earth, he's just a face on my TV screen.

I can watch his show and follow his career and try to see all his movies. I can even write him a letter or ask for an autograph. Beyond that, I can't knock on his door or call him on the phone or invite him to chinese buffet. We don't go fishing. He hasn't once hired me to clean his house, and I don't watch his kids for him when he's out with his wife. We don't swap recipes. And although I consider he owes me several rootbeers for all those fucking awards programs I watched just to see him get robbed by Alec Baldwin, I really don't have any sane reason to expect I'll actually get them. Get it? He's not a person in my bubble. Deflate it, people. You don't know the man.

And true to both form and legend, all these blind adoration idiots impinge on these actors' lives time and time again. If you really do love these actors, treat them like human beings. If you really do admire these people, stop treating them like public property, like their lives belong to you and everyone else 24 hours a day. Stop treating them like, no matter what you do to them, they need to not only accept it, but to swallow hard and smile. They're not toys. They're not doorstops, umbrella stands, or paperweights. They're human fucking beings. Enough of the psycho bullshit.

And if any of you (Tony, Ted, or Emmy) are googling yourselves, I have to say I really do admire all of you, but for real, I wouldn't trade places with a single one of you. Not to put up with bullshit like this. I have no idea how anyone puts up with this shit. I wouldn't trade places with any of you--not for a suitcase full of a money and a bag of dicks. No way. No fucking way.

It's not funny and it's not fun. They're human beings. What part of that don't you understand????

Excuses, excuses, excuses...and a new Coven member!

Welcome, new Coven member, Clingy Clem!

I feel very sorry for people with terminal diseases. Very sorry. Of course, all the people I've known with terminal diseases and all those who've died from them--including my Grandfather, of Alzheimer's--went out with dignity, respect, and grace. They didn't use their disease to excuse rude, mean, abhorrent behavior. They didn't use their disease to create a moral compulsion in others to love them, tolerate their disrespect, accept them unconditionally, or anything else. They didn't harass those they loved and those that loved them, and then lean on the fact that their time is/was short. They continued, until the end, to treat everyone with love and respect. You, Clem, want to use this as a 'pass' while you mistreat people. And that's why you get a big ole 'fuck you' with warmth and affection from me to you. Enjoy your trip.

You post on a public message board "You are mean" to Tami and then say that's not an insult. Huh? Defining logic and reality for everyone else? Mmkay, that's not an insult. Hey, Clem, you're mean. If it's not an insult when you say it to Tami, well then, it's not an insult when I say it to you. You're mean. And I mean that...from the heart. You're mean.

Then he goes on to see eruptions in a series of PMs wherein no eruptions occurred, insults wherein no insults appeared, and offenses wherein no offenses took place. He was asked repeatedly to stop PMing. He was told repeatedly that his repeated annoying requests to join Tami's pages were being declined, as well as being repeatedly told WHY.

He was, at one point, asked to stop acting like a spoiled brat. If he was, in fact, acting like a spoiled brat, where's the insult? Was it a vague, unqualified insult that was unrelated to the harassment that was going on by Clem against Tami? Did she call him ugly? Fat? Stupid? Did she say his mother dresses him funny? No. He was specifically acting like a spoiled brat, and she asked him to stop.

Her responses are not chummy or gushing with friendship and emotion--they are tempered, tactful, polite--all the 'pleases' and 'thank yous' are there--and she stays on point. No, Tami's offense is in exercising her right as administrator of her own facebook pages. She can accept who she wants to accept and reject who she wants to reject. I think that's kinda why they put the the ignore and block functions in there. Both personal pages and fan pages give the account owners this power.

Here's yet another case of someone who demands full acceptance by everyone who takes a small discretion and blows it completely out of proportion. This is MetaComet part 2.

This all started when Tami asked Clem POLITELY (I saw the PM myself--don't even try to skew it for me) to stop using the chat function in facebook. Personally, I applaud her. None of my friends use that stupid window to IM me--they catch me on YIM. That stupid little window has very very veeeeeeeeeeery slow response time and covers the page I'm trying to look at. It only closes when the mood strikes it to do so, and it's so Fred and Barney, I cuss up a storm the rare time it does open. Jeff pops that stupid chat window up on me from time to time. I hate it. Tami can't hate it too?

Clem only opened the chat window (several times a day like a waterhead) to yak at Tami about a multitude of topics she has absolutely no interest in. No, Clem, I don't think Tami wants to do Natalie. No, Clem, I don't think Tami thinks Emmy is hot. No, Clem, we have absolutely nothing in common...at all...on any level...ever. Tami did something I couldn't have managed to do--she found a polite way to ask him to stop being an idiot and leave that chat button alone.

Oh the humanity! Tami, you're such a bitch! How could you do something so horribly mean?!!?! Look at the transgression, people. It's a non-event. She received a shit-storm AGAIN over a non-event.

Look at Meta--she blew her buttons because Tami set her facebook profile as unsearchable. Then she accused Tami of blocking her--fucking duh. Tami did NOT block Meta. When you make your facebook page unsearchable, you are not blocking a singular person or anyone in particular.

Who are all these Monk crackpots that think just because two people once posted on the same stupid ass dysfunctional message board, you have to automatically accept friend requests from everyone from that board if they try to friend you on another site???? Did Tami and Clem have any kind of friendship or rapport on the USA Monk Message Board??? NO. Did Tami and Meta ever have any kind of friendship or rapport on the USA Monk Message Board??? NO. Does Tami, or me, for that matter, have to accept friend requests from everyone on that board who chooses to send them? Is the freedom and right to choose to accept or reject/ignore friend requests suspended for Tami? What the fuck. Get lives, people.

I ignored a friend request from someone at that board whom I decided a long time ago I had nothing at all in common with, though I didn't dislike her at all. SHE SENT THE REQUEST 3 FUCKING TIMES. Who on planet earth does this?????

Move on with your lives. You must lead lonely desperate existences to work so ardently and obsessively at insinuating yourselves in other people's lives, going where you aren't wanted, and just refusing to get over it and move on--flipping out, even. Where's the cause to flip out in either of these instances??? If someone wants nothing to do with me, I actually leave. I move on to other things. Picture that. Tami explained to both of these people that they have nothing in common. So you like the same TV show, and now you must be dragged kicking and screaming into the woods by dingos to be forcibly inducted into the cabal?? Are you people fucking nuts????

And the other issue: Every single time one of these waterheads is mean, disrespectful, hurtful, hateful, dishonest, or just being a shithead, another Coven member comes out of a crack in the wall waving an excuse--another lame ass reason why me and Tami need to be letting these people take shots at us.

So let I get this straight: EVERYONE has an excuse...except me and Tami? Dream on. I think your bag of magic beans isn't as magic as you think.